Blooming Native Hadooponomic Clusters in the Collapsed Cloudonomic Stack

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the PINNACLE of buzzword bingo. You may have a different way to describe it.

“Hadooponomics”
Dictionary bait. A new, and impressively atrocious, way of saying “linear scalability”.

“Cloudonomics”
No-one knows what this is. Not really.

“SQL becomes Hadoop’s killer app”
Whaaaaaaat? But I thought NoSQL was the future and that SQL and relational databases were dead? Surely it’s better to run SQL on relational databases rather than anything else? Or are we reinventing the wheel and presenting it as a chicken again?

“Hadoop clusters bloom in the cloud”
Data on Hadoop storage is meant to be immutable (not deleted) and you pay for storage/usage in THE CLOUD(TM). Am I the only one who sees these as almost-mutually exclusive?

Should we rename THE CLOUD(TM) to “THE POTTING SOIL” or “THE COMPOST”? Can things “bloom” in clouds?

“Collapse the application stack”
Ah – yet another case of just assuming that everything we knew before THE CLOUD(TM) was unnecessarily complicated and there was absolutely no reason why IT departments made things so DIFFICULT.

“Must move to develop versions that will run natively inside Hadoop”
Why? It’s like saying that people must develop versions that run inside NFS.

“Making Hadoop a configurable option inside the operating system”
Why would you ever want to do that? It’s akin to thinking that using IIS from a user’s workstation is a good idea.

“Game-changer”
BINGO!

“CIOs won’t have to hire high-priced Hadoop consultants … the enterprise’s very own … professionals know the data, the integration points, the applications, and the business challenges”
Are these the same internal teams whose training and R&D budgets have been eliminated by these CIOs for the last six years?

I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever seen a better (or is it worse?) example of a paid advertisement masquerading as an article in a “trade mag”. I doubt you’d hear some of these gems in a vendor’s sales pitch, to be honest.

So bad it’s brilliant. Sort of.

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